November 3, 2009

One month of work....

I have completed one month of work post Aarush. Whew! What a feat! Returning to work was so difficult that I initially thought of posting regular updates about the ups and downs. On second thoughts, I felt it would be better to wait until things ease out for me and I would be able to look at things from a different perspective so that my comments don’t seem too biased.

Infact, the last couple of weeks of my maternity leave were totally spend thinking of whether to return to work or not. The justifications were many:

a) It’s a baby’s right to have his mother pampering him 24/7 and returning to work will deny my baby this right
b) I have worked continuously for 11 years and its time for a break
c) Work place has become less challenging and I need to take a break, refresh myself and find out a better opportunity
d) I could spend more quality time with Appu
e) I suddenly had a love for all things domestic and wanted to throw myself into cooking and housekeeping

The list could go on. Since there was not much of support from any quarter, I was struggling with the confusion through out the days I was at home. B had left it to me entirely to make the choice and assured me that he would support me on whatever decision I took. Mom was firmly against it and made it clear that she would return to India if I were to stay at home (Grrr..), my friends kept telling me that it would be a bad decision given the cushy job that I have (in their opinion!!! Little do they know how demanding and frustrating things can get for me at times! ), many felt that I would regret the decision later when I get bored of the mundane chores at home….

Sometimes I really wonder what happened to that impulsive me that I was a few years back. I used to be so impulsive that each problem I encountered would be seen as either black and white and I could decide on either one in the blink of an eye. I wont advocate that as a positive approach but things were so much easier that way. The inevitable consequences of your decisions were things to be dealt with later. I did so much of analyzing on this, thinking about the pros and cons soooo much that finally I reached no decision at all. It was back to how things were as soon as the leave ended. I was back at work on October 1st as planned. L

The first day – was hhhmmmmm…….horrible. I cried myself to sleep the night before. Hello…what else do you expect me to do… I had never been away from my lil bubby for more than a couple of hours. And now I would be gone for a good 9 hours!!! I cried in the morning at home, I cried in the car, I cried all the way to office, I reached the office crying! Sheesshh… I didn’t realize what a spectacle I was making of myself! But who cares… I was missing my baby. Within a couple of hours I was feeling slightly better.

Now I had to face a big test. I had decided to express in office and I had got my breastpump along with me. But now it was time to put it in action This was a first time I would be expressing anywhere other than the comforts of my home for me and I had no idea how I would carry it out. I was supposed to express at 10.30 but I was too nervous about it and after a lot of hesitation finally I was able to get myself to do it at 11.30. Used the pantry for the deed. Once I started, I could keep going without much of inhibition. By lunch break I was again miserable and wanted to cuddle my baby. I rushed out and went back home and fed my little one. It was bliss. My heart and eyes were full. I could feel my motherly affection bubbling strong within me.

I had purposely decided to join on the last working day of the week. I was back to myself on the weekend and miserable again when the weekend came to a close. Each day each moment my heart was screaming out to just QUIT! As if making my wishes come true, the cuckoonest was struck by a bad case of flu ad I got a few additional days to spend with the little one at home.

I am really finding it difficult to put in words the turmoil that I went through in the first few weeks. But I am sure that all working mothers can realize the anguish I suffered. The colleagues, though they did not offer any words of solace or support, helped by leaving me alone. I finally decided to take one day at a time. I decided that I would quit at the first instance I was faced with any situation wherein I had to compromise my son’s comforts.

So here I am….after a month! I am reasonably happy with the way things are going. I do miss my son through out the day. I keep looking at his photographs many times during the day. I call home and check with mom about him many times. But I feel immense satisfaction when I reach home exhausted and see the happiness on the little ones face when he sees me. I enjoy feeding him after the long gap and love the seeing the excitement with which he suckles hungrily. Both of us enjoy the evening bath, splashing in the tub. I surprisingly enjoy all the chores I have to finish off before I hit bed. And definitely the greatest relief to me is that I am able to continue breastfeeding. I will put up a post on this separately.

I am also making conscious efforts to spend quality time with Appu. Relation with mom also is on better grounds as she probably understands the juggling that I do though it is very minimal in comparison to what many other supermoms have to deal with.

So, here is a pat on my shoulder for having reentered the workforce and for braving it out for a month!


Monika,Ansh said...

Lots & Lots of pats on your back girl. You r doing well & I so understand each & every word of yours, having gone thru the same myeslf with Ansh. I am so not looking forwrad to this part of life next year.

Sandhya said...

Thanks Monika. To an extent, the posts on various other blogs helped me to keep going! Its such a blessing to be able to share experiences with people like you!