September 19, 2009

To or not to?

While I was pregnant with Appu, I was working in Dubai until the 7th month and I used to travel for almost 2 hours up and down and this was really tiring. (I was transeferred to Sharjah in the 7th month and we took an apartment that was only 5 minutes walk from the office. This was heaven!) I used to tell B then that the next pregnanacy should be idyllic and that I should be able to stay at home and take proper rest and care. Well, this was not to be fortunately or otherwise! I was working on a hectic schedule throughout the pregnancy even when my health was not too good. During the maternity leave, I toyed a lot with the thought of staying back and being a full time mom. After reading a lot of other blogs here at blogspot, I realised that this is a dilemma faced by almost all the working moms. Infact, I kept oscillating between thoughts to quit work and to continue work very frequently. These are the reasons for the for the fluctating thoughts.

I wanted to stay at home because:

1) I had grown excpetionally attached to baby and the thought of being away from him for 9 hours at a stretch was unbearable. This was not so in the case of Appu and I was able to leave her with mom without a second thought when I had to return. But this time it was very different. I even felt that the little boy was showing me subtle signals to indicate that he prefers having me at home. One day, I was particulary distraught and I was sobbing with the little one in my arms. When I looked at his little face he gave me a knowing smile that was so reassuring and I tried to convinve myself that he is expressing his preference with that smile.

2) I had taken the decision to exclusively breastfeed my son until 6 months atleast. There would be no formula for my little prince. I was not too sure if I would be able to accomplish this goal with our hectic work schedule. Though I had grown used to expressing milk and had a good storage of expressed milk in the fridge and had well planned out the course of action to express at work as mentioned in a previous post, I was not too sure how successfully I would be able to execute the whole thing.

3) After taking care of the little boy, I realised what I had missed out doing for Appu. I wanted to make up for the lost time before its too late considering that rate at which she is growing. I wanted to spend more time with Appu getting to know her more and to mould her. Somehow, I feel I would be able to mould her better than mom at this stage. This is at the risk of sounding ungrateful for all that mom has so far done for Appu. Mom has always taken excelelnt care of Appu and she is responsibel for Appu’s developments so far single handedly. I wanted to be like other moms take care of Appu wholly. I loved bathing her, feeding her etc. I wanted to pamper her a bit more, play with her, teach her, go out with her more often, have our own girlie time etc.

4) I wanted to get in touch with the domestic side of mine. I am a lousy cook and had absolutely no inclination towards cooking either. I used to always wonder why most women enjoy toiling in the kitchen and trying out new recipes. I loved cleaning and organising the house always though. All of a sudden, I found myself enjoying all the household chores that I initally found mundane. And me being me, I was starting to prepare schedules for washing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. Though I did not actually cook, I was interested in cookery shows and recipes in magazines. That’s a huge development in my case.

5) I wanted to take a break from work as I have been working continuiosly for 11 years and that too in the same organisation. The work and the workplace does not hold the same charm as it did before. I was not looking forward to being in the same office.

I wanted to work because:

1) I enjoyed getting the monthly sms from Standard Chartered Bank informing me that a cool amount has been credited to my account.

2) The evenings spent at home are more enjoyable after a days’ hard work away from home.

3) It makes to you feel nice to know that you would be able to give in to your desires once in a while without feeling guilty. To be honest, I rarely do this. I am generally a low maintenance person.

4) Mom. Mom is with us to help us when I am way at work. If I am not working, she will see no reason to stay here with us and would want to go back home. This will not be a wise decision as she would have to stay alone. Its in everyones best interests that she stays with us. I had spoken to her about this earlier and she outright said that she will not be here if I decide to stay at home. Though I resent this attitude of mom’s I understand that from her perspetive this is justifiable.

5) We enjoy a very easy life and I wonder whether we will be able to do so with one person’s paycheck.

6) I would miss the adult company and the intellectual stimulation.

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