June 4, 2016

I chose right over wrong

I really did not like the earlier post,,but that was just as much as I could do.  Life is totally different from what it was from where I left off.  I'm 37 years old, a mother of 3 lovely kids!  Much more matured though definitely a lot more boring.

Oct 2014 was when I came to know that I was pregnant once more. Periods were delayed.  So thought of a home pregnancy check pretty sure that it would be negative,  It was a huge shock for me and Biju when it came positive.   Another baby was absolutely not in our scheme of things.  After all we were a perfectly balanced family with 2 kids, a girl and a boy that too.  I was 35 and with 2 c sections under my belt why would I even think of another child.   What about the finances, the hassle of bringing up another child.  No definitely not.  At six weeks of pregnancy went with my friend Dhanya to meet Dr Vidhula at Healers and confirm the pregnancy.  She confirmed that there was a perfectly healthy foetus.  At that point of time, all that I was worried about was the hassle of going to India and getting a termination done especially since school was on for Appu and Aarush and I would have to make so many arrangements.  I was also scared to undergo the termination procedure somehow.  But was there any other choice. No...None!!!

Dhanya, a devout Christian and another friend Reshmi kept telling me that I should go ahead with the pregnancy and not even think otherwise,  From the others that I disclosed this to I was getting mixed suggestions.  Appu was also surprisingly not receptive to the idea of having another sibling to hanker around. I was in a dilemma now.  I had to take a decision.  And that too the right one.  Age, health was not on my side.  Would my body be able to take another pregnancy and another c section?  What if something happens to me?  Should I put the kids and Biju through such a situation? What if there was something wrong with the baby? The pregnancy definitely wont be easy.  Should I let myself and my family get into a difficult situation.

But then there was this tiny life within me that had chosen me to be its mother.  Can I betray that tiny being's trust?  And it was Gods will, that cannot be wrong, can it?  Am I not a person who believes that everything happens for a reason.  No I should nurture that little life inside me and bring it out into the world.

The practical side of me suppressed the maternal feelings within me at that point of time and we decided it was in the interest of all that i terminate the pregnancy,  Accordingly a four day trip to India was made.  At the airport I signed a pregnancy declaration..I was 8 weeks pregnant.  Yes it did break my heart to think that when I return after four days I would not be having the tiny spark of life within me.  I had already bonded with the little one and had started having silent conversations with it. But I tried to push away such thoughts, It was decided that I would have the D&C done the morning I reached India so that I would have some rest too.  As planned made a visit to Bharat Hospital after having a small nap.  I still remember that day so vividly,  Around me were a lot of expectant jubilant mothers proudly walking around with their huge bellies and here I was waiting to snuff out the tiny light inside.  The meet with the doctor was very matter of fact.  She asked me to make the payment and go to the labour room after 10 minutes,  Payment for MTP was done.  Before going to the labour room as adviced, mommy asked if I could talk to the doctor as I seemed to be in two minds.  I put forward my fears about but surprisingly the doc tor was very positive and said I could go ahead with the pregnancy if I wanted to.  She definitely would not be able to assure smooth sail.  She asked me to go for a USG.  Here I saw the tiny heart beat for the first time.  The tiny life within me was flourishing confident that I would not let it down.  

The doctor must have sensed my relief and threw away the papers she had made for me asking me to go home and think about it and that she was not going to do the MTP that day.  If I chose to go ahead with the MTP I had to go the next morning.  My mind was in a turmoil.  Choose the easy wrong or the extremely hard right?  I knew whatever decision I made would be mine and mine only and I would have to take up the entire responsibility.  I spoke to Bijus Ammayi who had faced a similar situation in life and it felt so nice talking to someone who would understand.  I was bombarded with suggestions from all sides.  It was a very very long night for me.  I wonder if that tiny life too stayed awake waiting anxiously for me to decide. Or was it sleeping away peacefully completely trusting me.    No...I needed the tiny being more than it needed me.  I could not let it perish.  It would all be over in five minutes and then it would be a lifetime of longing for me if I let it go.  It was mine to be loved and nurtured.  It had chosen me as its mother and isnt a mother one who loves and nurtures.  Definitely not one who destroys.  I had made up my mind.  Come what may, I decided to protect that little life growing in me.  I firmly believed that little being had a purpose to complete.  That morning I woke up with a clear conscience and a happiness that I had not felt in a long time!!!  Cos I knew I had chosen right over wrong.......

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